Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
