everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
