drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
