A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
