I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
