Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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