I got chris browned last night
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
