I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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