I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
