I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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