The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
