soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
