well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
