Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
