I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
