He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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