We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
