There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
