he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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