just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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