What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
