Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Your cock deserves a montage
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
