The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
