My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
