Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
zippers are such a cool invention
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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