I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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