Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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