So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
