He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
