I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
