You're earring is so big in my mouth
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
