So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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