Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
