i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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