I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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