If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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