oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
