If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
