I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
