I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
