Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
