even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
