i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
