Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
