guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it hurts more in the daytime
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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