Umm I'm too high to move.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
