Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There's always time for handjobs
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
