you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
