sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
