Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
We're too hungover to prance.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
